Mental Health · Psychology · Eastern Philosophy

🎙 Guest: Dr. Tom Davies  ·  📅 Aired October 9, 2026  ·  ⏱ 55 min episode

Introduction

We all have dreams and aspirations whether they be society imposed or generated from our hearts. Yet the Buddhists posit that suffering is caused by desire (duhkha). In an increasingly individualistic world, we are encouraged to define ourselves: through our achievements, relationships, appearance, beliefs, careers and countless other markers of identity. Does this relentless focus on who we are – and who we think we should be – may actually be contributing to our anxiety, dissatisfaction and psychological distress? When we don’t meet these standards whether they be externally or internally imposed, we are distressed.

Tom explores how our sense of self is constructed, why we become so attached to it, and how attempts to protect and strengthen our identities can inadvertently create suffering. Drawing together contemporary psychology, evolutionary science and Eastern philosophy, he examines why self-obsession is such a powerful feature of the human condition.

The answer is not changing who we are, but, aligned with the Buddhist philosophy, to loosen our attachment to the idea of a fixed identity. Tom explores practical ways of loosening our attachment to identity, responding differently to difficult thoughts and emotions, and becoming more engaged with life beyond ourselves.

Summary of Interview

Website: https://www.drtomdavies.com

Book: Self Obsession

• He believes anxiety, depression, low self-esteem are all treatable conditions
• He encourages people to read up on Eastern spirituality
• He believes in a combined approach with the best of the West with the best of the East

His path

• Humans are concerned with suffering
• In his medical training he suffered from anxiety and found the medical model limited
• Psychology did not offer solutions
• He was anxious in medical training and depressed when he changed into being a therapist due to the loss of what he had previously identified with (clinical medicine)
• He found that self-obsession was at the heart of many of these issues
• Anxiety is connected to depression

Self obsession excessive preoccupation with different aspects of ourselves

• Some of it deals with genetic needs that we are born with safety, security
• Most of us have an idealized version of ourselves that we wish to be lie or have
• The gap between who we are now and who we wish to be is usually quite big
  • This disparity gives rise to low self-worth, self-perception and low self-esteem and over time, depression
  • This gives rise to anxiety states and can lead to obsessive compulsive disorder
• Objective self: aspects of who and what we are (the objective self)
  • Self-elements
    • External aspects: Relationships, careers, our physical bodies, health, hobbies
    • Core beliefs, interests, personalities
• These aspects are constantly changing
• The more we identify with aspects of ourselves, the more vulnerable we are to change
• The prospect of loss can hurt us through anxiety
• Actual change can hurt us through loss
• Self-obsession can swing between anxious and depressive states
• Self-obsession can hurt us acutely and chronically

When is self-interest extreme so it is labelled as self-obsession?

• The degrees to which we identify with aspects of our selves can lead to potential problems
• Identity is normal but the degree of attachment can be problematic especially the aspects that are more changeable such as career, relationship
• Engaging with the self is important recognizing that these components are changeable.
• Tao Te Ching (Lao Tzu’s book)
  • That which is rigid snaps, that which is flexible yields and is much stronger
  • If he does not compete, no one is competing with him.

Self-obsession varies by cultures

• Might be less in community-oriented cultures
• The more individualistic a society is, the more likely is self-obsession
• Western cultures are individualistic and perhaps more prone to self-obsession
  • Encourages to be best version of self
  • Western society encourages us to want more
  • Social media forces a flashlight on ourselves so growing up in the West most will have self-obsession.
• West is more concerned with fixing the suffering (had a lot of experience)
  • This focuses on treating symptoms hence relapse more likely
  • Freud said, “Psychotherapy brings one from extraordinary pain to extraordinary misery”
  • Western therapy is a mentality of becoming rather than being
  • In therapy, the relation with therapist and believing in therapeutic approach are important
  • Chances of recovery are high when the client is motivated and has insight
  • CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) has a high relapse rate
    • CBT: How we think and behave affects how we feel
    • Which perpetuates the problem
    • How we think and how we behave is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves
    • Posits that a lot of anxiety and depression are maintained by unhelpful, negative patterns of thinking and corresponding behaviour
    • Aims to change current patterns of thinking; challenges thinking
    • Eg in OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) people interpret their thoughts as having greater meaning
      • CBT challenges the interpretation of intrusive thoughts of these thoughts
  • Acceptance-commitment therapy
    • Thoughts are seen as pointless, mindless noise- is not us and we should not identify with our thoughts
    • Use thought defusion which allows person not to focus on thoughts
    • Focus more on how are living and how respond to be caught up in thinking process
    • Focus on are living the life person wants to live
  • Rogerian approach of self-compassion/acceptance has helped some
    • Some argue this is about building a better sense of self
    • He believes that building self-worth is a by-product of helping the person becoming less self-obsessed
    • Shifts from self-view (“I am inadequate”) to a focus outside oneself making one less vulnerable
• His approach
  • Most people seek therapy to improve themselves and let go of aspects of themselves that they don’t like
  • He believes a good therapist helps people gain self-acceptance and change an attitude toward aspects of self they don’t like and view these more favourably and learn to embrace and accept the version of self they already are
    • This results in less self-obsession
    • They become more present and can engage externally
    • Their focus shifts from themselves and their desires, improves their self-worth
  • He works from the outside in
  • Starts with symptomatic relief. First, he treats the acute issues: anxiety, depression, low self esteem
    • CBT, acceptance, commitment therapy
      • CBT he sees as consistent with Buddhist philosophy.
      • It includes a lot of discussions around uncertainty, impermanence, and change
    • Behaviourist change how we live
      • Exposure techniques
      • Live as if the things we are fearful of
      • Anxiety can be seen as attempt to gain control over uncertainty.hr uncertainty to be present
      • Treatment of anxiety allows uncertainty to be present and to tolerate uncertainty
  • After acute situation treated, he looks at the overall outlook
    • How one sees himself in the world
    • Fundamental beliefs how see place in world
    • Rather than helping people to be better versions of themselves, he helps them accept who they already are
    • Will enable people to be less obsessed with self and inadequacy and
  • Eastern philosophy helps with relationship to things
    • Develop a better understanding of impermanence and natural instability of aspects of ourselves and lives
    • Is a model that is less egocentric, less self-focused, and less self critical
    • Help people appreciate uncertainty of life helps develop a less clingy approach
    • East helps foster self-compassion, acceptance
    • Meditation, self-inquiry, mindfulness take ourselves away from ourselves and helps us see the true nature of life
    • East believes person is conscious awareness and the person is a secondary created character. The person is a second level
    • East reduces attachment and aim for self-enlightenment, self realization and remove the problem completely by looking at “who is it that is self-obsessed?”
      • Can free of all attachments
  • West helps treat symptoms which provides some help
    • In West focus is on person who is the baseline in Western psychology and western medicine
      • To take away difficulties so person feels better about himself.
  • In depression, he believes people can become depressed because they live that way (vs depression causing person to live in a certain way)
    • So he recommends person live as if not depressed until person is not depressed
    • In anxiety live as if not anxious
    • In OCD where intrusive thoughts have meaning and behaviours are essential to avoid bad outcomes
      • He coaches people to live as if intrusive thoughts are meaningless and the behaviour is unnecessary
    • In low self-esteem where people feel they are worthless, he asks them to live as if they are not worthless.

Common humanity

• Recently, children were all celebrated as special (e.g. Participation rewards)
• We are all the same and should be celebrated/ special because we are the same, not because we are unique

The mind

• Is a metaphysical, existential organ not a machine